Saturday 30th April 2005.
It took a bit longer yesterday, I don't know why as I didn't have anything differant done just was laid on the bed longer, maybe they were busy chatting about the bank holiday weekend before deciding to release me..lol.
Even though I was there longer I was still quite calm which surprised me although I was letting the relaxation cd go through my mind once again, more so when they didn't come to me when expected.
I've also got a bit unsettled as to how bad I am, when I was already for leaving the nurse said; "See you tomorrow" I told her that I wasn't in again until Tuesday with it being a bank holiday, she asked me if I was sure, I said; "That there's no mention of it on the sheet with all my appointment dates on it and that my next one is Tuesday". She said; "let me go check". When she came back she asked if it would be okay for me to come in today (Saturday) at 10am because with some patients they don't like to leave treatment longer then the 2 day weekend that are normally missed. I said it was okay but my mind started working overtime again.. Why am I one of "those" patients?...is it worse then I'm being told, so that it can't be left one extra day?. I'm one of those people that never seem to ask questions at the time, chicken I guess..
.. but today when I go I'll be asking. There is also one good thing to come out of going today it means the treatment ends one day sooner then I expected.
A few days before I started my treatment I watched the film Troy (Brad Pitt) ever since then to help me get through this and as the radiotherapy machine is making all it's little whirling noises and afterwards as well when my neck feels sore or I get a dry cough all of a sudden I use my imagine that the cancer cells are the bad soldiers in Troy and that the radiothapy are the good soldiers and boy are they having a battle...
... just hoping my good guys win.
Tonight (Friday). I haven't slept well at all, 
I had a fitfull sleep up to 1am then I just laid there, wasn't in pain or anything just couldn't sleep ( just stuff going round and round in my head) so I came down stairs and watched tv for a while, thank heavens for all night tv!. I think I started to doze around 2 til 3.45 but since then I've been awake, so made myself a coffee and thought I'd catch up on here before my day begins...
Post Script
I went for my treatment and I wish it was like it everyday. With it being a Saturday there was only 4 of us there and we were actually seen on time. When I was called through I told the nurse that I was feeling concerned about having to go today instead of going back on Tuesday and was the cancer worse then they were telling me. She assured me that it wasn't but I was classed as high priority as all neck, head and throat cancers are because for some reason it seems to grow quicker in those areas unlike elsewhere, like the prostrate gland for example so they like to treat people like me everyday, I asked would I have to come in tomorrow (Sunday) she said no it's only because it's a bank holiday and 3 days is to long where as a normal weekend is fine as the stuff they are using to treat me is still in my body fighting for at least two days.
I was already feeling low today before I went but when I came out the treatment room my hubby was talking to another couple. As I walked up the nurse came and took the man away for treatment and after I'd had a few words with his wife (which I wish I hadn't) I felt even worse and wish I could stop now and take the chance that the amount I've recieved so far would kill it all off. She said that after he'd had his treatment today that also happened to be for throat cancer they were going to admit him to a ward to have a feeding tube fitted in his stomach. They are going to keep him in until Tuesday because he'd been three days unable to swallow, not even his own saliva and he this was only his 12th day of treatment with another 8 to go! Makes you wonder what he'll be like at the end of those 8.
I'm scared, I don't want to go through that, I've never smoked, his wife said he had but doesn't now, so why did I have to get this and have to go through all this with none of it being my fault? What have I done to deserve it? I've also been thinking that seeing I've got it without smoking does this mean that once I'm "cured" it will still come back for no reason? No point in asking the doctors any of this as they won't be able to answer because they won't know.
creativesilence
Things will be the way they will be, reason fails to understand why.i believe we have the ability to face everything before us however bitter or sweet things are. Denial only makes our expereince more terrible. Though it is easier said than done, i still wish you would accept the situation, face it like a heart with great potential. This body is weak and unstable, it lasts only as long as it lasts and it is the case with everyone. Know for certain that you can still be happy by being detached to it.
You can prove to yourself that the pain is only of the body & not to you. A pinch is painful, but it can permeate only to an area of expereince, if the rest of your expereince namely your emotional state is having its free flow, u will definitely do better. Afterall, it is the expereince that counts. our sadness is for it. Do not unnecessarily think about that which creates a bad expereince. Let your attention be engrossed in something that can induce you into something joyful in its own accord simply by virtue of being engrossed in it.
Your experience follows your attention, Keep it where there can be peace and joy, override the logic of life's conditionings creating unnecessary fear and sadness.
Accept & be in peace,like a hero.
Forgive me if my words are meaningless.